Assertiveness - Confidently Saying No!

One of the most common attributes, of those that tell me they are not assertive, is the need to say yes to everything, when really they want to say NO sometimes!

I've experienced friends like this, who want to please people, but actually let you down far more by double booking, opting out at the last moment and generally causing havoc!
 It really doesn't benefit anyone to be a people-pleaser!

So learn to say No and take control of your life.

Saying “NO” and meaning it!

How can you confidently respond when someone makes a request you’d prefer not to accommodate? 

The question has just been posed.  Pause. 

Was your inclination to say yes, even though there’s a voice deep down saying “no.” If thats the case then let’s raise the volume on that inner voice. 

What possible reasons could there be for saying no?

§  It’s beyond your means?

§  It’s beyond your comfort level?

§  You're on a diet and going out will wreck it?

§  You're being taken for granted?

Identify all the reasons you have for saying “no.”  Identify which stem from a lack of confidence, versus a sincere wish to say no. 

What would happen if you said yes?  Perhaps:

§  You would be considered a teamplayer

§  It would make that person happy

§  You would be doing something outside your comfort box

§  You will be doing a good favour

Would the discomfort involved in saying yes outweigh the benefits of possibly going along with the request? Or vice-versa? Is it a favour and one that is absolutely needed right now and so No is out of the question? Would you like to be persuaded to go outside your comfort zone?

What is the cost v benefit?

The role of guilt

Saying “no” is hard for many of us. We feel so guilty and want people to like us. Instead of analysing our feelings we tend to just jump in with a Yes and worry about it all later. However being authentic, honest to self and others are values that should be held dearly if we are to be confident and contented. 

Saying “NO”

You’ve made the decision, after completely weighing the results of your cost/benefit analysis, to honestly say “NO”. 

Well, go ahead and say it clearly, and self-assuredly...in the mirror. 

Look yourself in the eye, and do it.  Just say “NO.” 

Say it like you really mean it, and then say it again as you would to whomever made the request of you.  When you pretend you’re speaking to the person who made the request, does it come out differently? 

After you say “NO”

If you’re used to giving in to others, then guess what? 

You may or many not be surprised to find that they are not willing to accept it! They may be a littel indignant and they may push, rephrase the question, or make a new, not dissimilar request. 

Be prepared for this and know your boundary—what ARE you willing to do? Work it out beforehand and, like any negotiating table, have your 'walk away point'.

Revisit the questions you asked yourself before—what would happen if you said no, or yes?

If you are serious about saying “NO” then stick to your guns. 

Tell the individual making the request that you would appreciate it if they respected your wishes, and ask them to refrain from pursuing it further. 

If you are comfortable expressing your “reasons why” then do so speaking from your personal perspective. In fact this does help to alleviate the no. Most people are very reasonable with a rejection of their request, if they understand and have empathy with the other person.

The Pause Button

Don’t forget that when anyone asks a question of you, you are perfectly OK to say, “Can I think about that and get back to you”. No-one should be pressurised into giving an immediate answer, even if the delay is only a couple of minutes. It will give you some time to think it through and to gather your thoughts.

It will give you time to analyse what you really want to do, weigh up everything and prepare the response.

What will happen when you are more assertive?

§  You will feel much more confident and proud. Your self-esteem will grow

§  You will find that practice makes perfect—the more you confidently say “NO” the easier it becomes. 

§  Others will respect your wishes and take you seriously and appreciate you more when you say Yes

§  You won’t find yourself doing things you never wanted to do in the first place. 

§  You’ll have more time to focus on the things you do want to be involved in. 

§  And so on...

No Need to Smack Ever - Part 2

As is said many times, we're not given a manual when it comes to parenting. This is true but I believe we don't need one.

We have something much better instead. It's called intuition and knowledge of one's own child. Every person in the whole world is unique and that includes babies, toddlers and young adults. Having someone else tell you what to do, is helpful sometimes but if all parents not only trusted their intuition but acted upon it too, we could throw away any 'one size fits all' instruction manual.

However, the main point here is that not everyone acts upon their intuition because sometimes it's easier to let things go rather than to confront properly. So I am not coming from an 'expert' position, rather one that says 'you are the best person to know what's best' but don't forget the basics. Here are my 7 Steps

1) As already stated in part 1, praise and encouragement of the behaviour you do want is paramount along with rewarding only good behaviour

2) Set a good example. Children will copy anyone and everyone especially siblings and parents. Shouting, smacking, sulking etc are unattractive at any age!

3) Set clear boundaries and stick to them. Losing a battle will cost you the war. It is essential that parents are united here, so discuss with your partner and then agree to stick with them. And this means that everyone agrees to the house rules, not just the children!

4) Spend quality time with them, doing interesting and educational activities. Talk with them and make them feel interesting, showing lots of affection and praise.

5) Stick It To them! - use behaviour gold and silver stars on a chart, showing them visually how they are rewarded for good behaviour and reaching their goals. Children adore sticking a gold star onto their chart!

6) Use open questions when teaching them something, rather than keep telling them what to do. For instance 'so what's the next thing we need to do when...'

7) Keep it simple - give calm and easy instructions. Too many and you will confuse them. Too little and they will not understand. Don't overwhelm and make it interesting for them to learn, or to do as they are asked.

Add your own number 8. Something that is needed especially for your child. It could be something you have meant to do for a long time but have yet to instigate or a new idea that has come to you whilst reading this. Have a think and make a decision now to carry it through.

Trust yourself and your children.

Being the Captain of Your Inner Team

Integrity is the most important quality a person can have. It underlines all the values, that a person holds, and allows them to be evident and congruent in their everyday activities.
To be successful in life, we require the trust and respect of other people, and no more so than in a leadership role. Being a captain, not only means leading others, it also means being in control of your own behaviour, success and life.
Perhaps you may think that you are either born a leader or not, but I happen to think that leadership skills can be taught and then honed with experience, dedication and by practising self discipline, until it becomes a habit.
Role models inspire, motivate, lead and deliver on their promises. They use their values to make decisions and search constantly on how they can help others to succeed. They listen to others fully, without judgment whilst probing and clarifying.
Language is so important and great leaders know that one simple word can be the difference between good conversations and damaging ones.
Take the word BUT for instance. Listening to someone and then saying ‘But’ negates everything they have just said, whereas using the word ‘and’ instead still provides us with a chance to express our own thoughts whilst acknowledging the other person.

'But I don’t want to be the Captain!' You might be thinking. That may be so, but surely you would like to be the Captain of your Inner Team (all the different parts that make the unique You!).
Here are mine:

The Dreamer – To aspire and think big
The Logical Genius – to establish the problem and find solutions
The Voice of Reason – to remain calm and dignified
The Warrior – to be bold, confident and to fight my teams corner
The Intuition Expert – to listen to gut and then shore up the message

Think about the people you admire most. Who are your role models, those that you look up to? What are the qualities and strengths that they exhibit, that makes you admire them.
Find your inner team by aligning those values with your own, give them a name or description as I have with mine, and call upon them whenever they are needed

My book The Beautiful Inner Game is being written at the moment. It will help people to make the changes they want and need to, in their lives, whether it be work, home or both.

DANAMIC Coaching to help Release Your Genius

What is DANAMIC Coaching?
It is, quite frankly, the most advanced and comprehensive life/personal coach training system in the UK today.
It is VERY powerful stuff and consists of 8 one to one coaching sessions of approx 90 mins each.
It combines the very latest in NLP, NAC, hypnosis, time line therapy and coaching techniques into one simple 7 step system for change and was developed by one of my favourite coaches and colleagues, Andy Harrington.
I can use this system to;

• Make you confident and happy
• Help you lose weight even after years of trying
• Improve your relationships
• Help you to become confident and successful in your business
• Eliminate negative and sabotaging behaviour
• Eliminate stress and lack of energy
• Release the genius that is in you

I promise that you will be blown away by the results and I have a money back guarantee policy which I am happy to discuss with you.
A two week holiday or designer outfit could cost you more than this programme. However this is an investment in your whole life, not just one occasion!
Please read this from one of my recent clients who invested in this programme:

Testimonial from Sally In Ipswich
I am writing this because I am delighted at the positive effect on my outlook following the DANAMIC coaching sessions.
I had been struggling with my weight for over 30 years and it affected my life.
When I first started to follow diets I was slim and a size 10/12 but had friends who were smaller so always felt enormous. I started with starving myself and ended up bingeing when I couldn’t cope with the hunger. For many years my weight only went up slightly but it was still making me miserable. I was either being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and it took over my life.
When I had my children I managed to lose quite a bit of weight but I never got low enough to be happy and even though I stopped the starving and bingeing. I still did not feel in control.
About eight years ago I got fed up with the diets and every time I joined a slimming club it lasted just a short time as I could never cope with the disappointment when I did not lose. Unfortunately this meant I have put on five stone in eight years.
When I started the coaching sessions with Nadia, I did not really believe that it would work. The first few sessions were challenging but I found it easier to answer the questions than in previous counselling sessions.
I also found I was having a more positive attitude and concentrating on other things beside my weight. I now know that I will achieve my goals in my personal and business life.
After about five sessions I felt an amazing calm and happiness. I also felt extremely strong. This continued through all the sessions and after. Of course, it does not stop things going wrong but it made it easier to cope with what life threw at me, something that I failed at before by turning to food.
I would thoroughly recommend DANAMIC coaching, for remarkable results.

Does my 'BUT' look too big?

I have been listening to some recordings from Topher Morrison, one of my favourite coaches and a colleague at APCTC.

He talks about the art of negotiation using NLP tools and reminded me about using the word BUT.

It took me a long while but now I rarely use the word but unless it refers to something I might be saying eg

I would love to go out in the sunshine but I have too much work

After much practice I now replace it with the word AND as much as I can because BUT just negates everything someone has just said to you! The word HOWEVER sort of does too but it not quite so obvious. So for example if a person is expressing an opinion you disagree with, the word AND will build bridges whilst allowing you to still add your opinion.

try it and see the difference when communicating....