Assertiveness - Confidently Saying No!

One of the most common attributes, of those that tell me they are not assertive, is the need to say yes to everything, when really they want to say NO sometimes!

I've experienced friends like this, who want to please people, but actually let you down far more by double booking, opting out at the last moment and generally causing havoc!
 It really doesn't benefit anyone to be a people-pleaser!

So learn to say No and take control of your life.

Saying “NO” and meaning it!

How can you confidently respond when someone makes a request you’d prefer not to accommodate? 

The question has just been posed.  Pause. 

Was your inclination to say yes, even though there’s a voice deep down saying “no.” If thats the case then let’s raise the volume on that inner voice. 

What possible reasons could there be for saying no?

§  It’s beyond your means?

§  It’s beyond your comfort level?

§  You're on a diet and going out will wreck it?

§  You're being taken for granted?

Identify all the reasons you have for saying “no.”  Identify which stem from a lack of confidence, versus a sincere wish to say no. 

What would happen if you said yes?  Perhaps:

§  You would be considered a teamplayer

§  It would make that person happy

§  You would be doing something outside your comfort box

§  You will be doing a good favour

Would the discomfort involved in saying yes outweigh the benefits of possibly going along with the request? Or vice-versa? Is it a favour and one that is absolutely needed right now and so No is out of the question? Would you like to be persuaded to go outside your comfort zone?

What is the cost v benefit?

The role of guilt

Saying “no” is hard for many of us. We feel so guilty and want people to like us. Instead of analysing our feelings we tend to just jump in with a Yes and worry about it all later. However being authentic, honest to self and others are values that should be held dearly if we are to be confident and contented. 

Saying “NO”

You’ve made the decision, after completely weighing the results of your cost/benefit analysis, to honestly say “NO”. 

Well, go ahead and say it clearly, and self-assuredly...in the mirror. 

Look yourself in the eye, and do it.  Just say “NO.” 

Say it like you really mean it, and then say it again as you would to whomever made the request of you.  When you pretend you’re speaking to the person who made the request, does it come out differently? 

After you say “NO”

If you’re used to giving in to others, then guess what? 

You may or many not be surprised to find that they are not willing to accept it! They may be a littel indignant and they may push, rephrase the question, or make a new, not dissimilar request. 

Be prepared for this and know your boundary—what ARE you willing to do? Work it out beforehand and, like any negotiating table, have your 'walk away point'.

Revisit the questions you asked yourself before—what would happen if you said no, or yes?

If you are serious about saying “NO” then stick to your guns. 

Tell the individual making the request that you would appreciate it if they respected your wishes, and ask them to refrain from pursuing it further. 

If you are comfortable expressing your “reasons why” then do so speaking from your personal perspective. In fact this does help to alleviate the no. Most people are very reasonable with a rejection of their request, if they understand and have empathy with the other person.

The Pause Button

Don’t forget that when anyone asks a question of you, you are perfectly OK to say, “Can I think about that and get back to you”. No-one should be pressurised into giving an immediate answer, even if the delay is only a couple of minutes. It will give you some time to think it through and to gather your thoughts.

It will give you time to analyse what you really want to do, weigh up everything and prepare the response.

What will happen when you are more assertive?

§  You will feel much more confident and proud. Your self-esteem will grow

§  You will find that practice makes perfect—the more you confidently say “NO” the easier it becomes. 

§  Others will respect your wishes and take you seriously and appreciate you more when you say Yes

§  You won’t find yourself doing things you never wanted to do in the first place. 

§  You’ll have more time to focus on the things you do want to be involved in. 

§  And so on...

10 simple ways to increase your confidence

10 quick and practical methods to increase your confidence:

    Smile loads! Smile when you meet people and generally be happier even if you’re not feeling that way.

   Learn from the past but don't dwell on that which you can't change. You could even ask yourself 'What was good about that?' for a great reframe of the situation.

 Buy yourself some new clothes, get your hair done, treat yourself to something new. I know you won't need too much encouragement from me on that one!

 Are you prepared for situations? Are you prepared enough to meet any challenge that may come up? Are you prepared for that networking event, that presentation, meeting someone for the first time? If not, get to it.

Play to your strengths. Expose yourself to what you are good at, at every opportunity. Improve your weaknesses and put a plan in place to improve them in time.

Don't be a people-pleaser! Learn how to say no to people, when you really want to. After you’ve said it the first time, there will be no going back. 

 Be in charge of your thoughts at all times. If you’re thinking negative thoughts, you’re probably asking a negative question or focusing on the problem rather than the solution. Change the question to a more positive one.

Whenever you feel stressed ask 'is this really important in the grand scheme of things?' If you're having to make a tough decision, ask yourself how each of the options affect the next 10 hours, 10 days 10 months etc. (I call this my 10/10 rule).

At the end of each day list your achievements and successes throughout that day. Acknowledging them before you ask 'What could I have done better?' is a great discipline.

   

Every morning when you’re in the shower, visualise your day as though it was already a success. Visualise success and the relevant confidence and it will be so.

No Need to Smack Ever - Part 2

As is said many times, we're not given a manual when it comes to parenting. This is true but I believe we don't need one.

We have something much better instead. It's called intuition and knowledge of one's own child. Every person in the whole world is unique and that includes babies, toddlers and young adults. Having someone else tell you what to do, is helpful sometimes but if all parents not only trusted their intuition but acted upon it too, we could throw away any 'one size fits all' instruction manual.

However, the main point here is that not everyone acts upon their intuition because sometimes it's easier to let things go rather than to confront properly. So I am not coming from an 'expert' position, rather one that says 'you are the best person to know what's best' but don't forget the basics. Here are my 7 Steps

1) As already stated in part 1, praise and encouragement of the behaviour you do want is paramount along with rewarding only good behaviour

2) Set a good example. Children will copy anyone and everyone especially siblings and parents. Shouting, smacking, sulking etc are unattractive at any age!

3) Set clear boundaries and stick to them. Losing a battle will cost you the war. It is essential that parents are united here, so discuss with your partner and then agree to stick with them. And this means that everyone agrees to the house rules, not just the children!

4) Spend quality time with them, doing interesting and educational activities. Talk with them and make them feel interesting, showing lots of affection and praise.

5) Stick It To them! - use behaviour gold and silver stars on a chart, showing them visually how they are rewarded for good behaviour and reaching their goals. Children adore sticking a gold star onto their chart!

6) Use open questions when teaching them something, rather than keep telling them what to do. For instance 'so what's the next thing we need to do when...'

7) Keep it simple - give calm and easy instructions. Too many and you will confuse them. Too little and they will not understand. Don't overwhelm and make it interesting for them to learn, or to do as they are asked.

Add your own number 8. Something that is needed especially for your child. It could be something you have meant to do for a long time but have yet to instigate or a new idea that has come to you whilst reading this. Have a think and make a decision now to carry it through.

Trust yourself and your children.

No Need To Smack Ever - Part 1

Smacking? ABSOLUTELY NOT, never. I'm finding it hard to believe that there are still some MPs who think it's okay to smack a child in order to discipline them!

Not only is this morally wrong, on so many levels, but it's totally unnecessary. I'd be happy to hear from you if you think differently, but I'm going to do a series of blogs which will give tips for handling a child's difficult behaviour AND help them to become confident and willing to co-operate.

Smacking gives out the wrong messages and can easily escalate into something more aggressive, even violent. It says that in order to get what we want we must go around hitting people. Hardly a good example setting is it?

My opinion is that we all so easily label children with things like ADHD in order to help make sense of why our child is misbehaving. I hate anything that gives children, or adults, more reasons to think negatively about themselves or an excuse to continue their innapropriate behaviour.

In all my coaching I will always ask the coachee (in this instance the parent) what their goals are. So  examples for their children could be:

Go to bed when asked
Eat nicely
Respond to requests
Listen, open up, communicate politely
Accepting rules or boundaries

There are so many more! What will they (and YOU!) look like when this thing is achieved?

In all my coaching of young people and/or their parents WITHOUT exception, I have found that a small change in behaviour in one person, brings about a small change of behaviour in another so you also need to set goals for yourself, such as

No more shouting
Listen properly
Have more time to pay attention

Again there are many more, so pick your main aim and describe what we will see, hear and feel when we have achieved it.

Once you have done this write it all down and start keeping a journal of the week's events.

See you in part 2 but in the meantime, let me give you a Top Tip that I was reminded of recently;

When you praise your child (or anyone else for that matter!) don't just say well done, or that was good. Give exact details of what the praise is for, for instance,
"Well done, on eating all your vegetables and sitting still throughout the meal. That was excellent!'

Try it and see the smiles. Children don't always understand what you are giving praise for and so cannot repeat it. Be explicit and you will watch the behaviour happen again.

Until next time....

Develop Your Leadership Charisma - from within!

Develop your leadership charisma — from within!

Leaders of all levels,


You're already climbing the success ladder.
Nevertheless, if you recognize you could do with being one or two notches more effective than you are — and would like to be more influential and charismatic in your leadership style — then this is for you! Developed by Master NLP coach and trainer Steve Woolston and myself, we wanted to give you something a bit different but really powerful. We think you will not only benefit enormously from this training but will find it enjoyable and fun. If you are a leader, whether it be newly promoted or in post for several years then read on..

When Aeschines spoke, they said, "How well he speaks."
But when Demosthenes spoke, they said, "Let us march against Philip." — David Ogilvy

Charisma is one of the keys to effective leadership and in this two-day workshop, coaches, consultants and trainers Stephen Woolston and myself will help you develop your leadership charisma.

Your clear and congruent leadership message
Your ability to get into confident and charismatic states whenever you need to
Your ability to design your communication around the responses you want to get
Your ability to communicate your message and conviction in an engaging and magnetic way

Imagine being the kind of leader that when you speak, people listen!

We will explore some of the language and behaviour patterns that make communication engaging and get you using them — the kind of language and behaviour patterns that made speeches such as Martin Luther King's "I have a dream" so memorable, and John F Kennedy's pledge to put a man on the moon.

There are patterns and they can be learned.

Workshop details Date: Thursday and Friday, 19th to 20th April 2012 Location:
The exact venue is to be confirmed, but the course will be somewhere between Norwich and Ipswich to be accessible to leaders in both these great places.
Your investment: The full delegate rate is £497, but see the special offers below.

SPECIAL OFFERS! For early bird bookings placed by the end of February, places are available at a discounted rate of just £297. And if you bring a friend on to the course, get an additional £50 off your own place.

BOOK HERE. http://charismafromwithin-estw.eventbrite.co.uk

Being the Captain of Your Inner Team

Integrity is the most important quality a person can have. It underlines all the values, that a person holds, and allows them to be evident and congruent in their everyday activities.
To be successful in life, we require the trust and respect of other people, and no more so than in a leadership role. Being a captain, not only means leading others, it also means being in control of your own behaviour, success and life.
Perhaps you may think that you are either born a leader or not, but I happen to think that leadership skills can be taught and then honed with experience, dedication and by practising self discipline, until it becomes a habit.
Role models inspire, motivate, lead and deliver on their promises. They use their values to make decisions and search constantly on how they can help others to succeed. They listen to others fully, without judgment whilst probing and clarifying.
Language is so important and great leaders know that one simple word can be the difference between good conversations and damaging ones.
Take the word BUT for instance. Listening to someone and then saying ‘But’ negates everything they have just said, whereas using the word ‘and’ instead still provides us with a chance to express our own thoughts whilst acknowledging the other person.

'But I don’t want to be the Captain!' You might be thinking. That may be so, but surely you would like to be the Captain of your Inner Team (all the different parts that make the unique You!).
Here are mine:

The Dreamer – To aspire and think big
The Logical Genius – to establish the problem and find solutions
The Voice of Reason – to remain calm and dignified
The Warrior – to be bold, confident and to fight my teams corner
The Intuition Expert – to listen to gut and then shore up the message

Think about the people you admire most. Who are your role models, those that you look up to? What are the qualities and strengths that they exhibit, that makes you admire them.
Find your inner team by aligning those values with your own, give them a name or description as I have with mine, and call upon them whenever they are needed

My book The Beautiful Inner Game is being written at the moment. It will help people to make the changes they want and need to, in their lives, whether it be work, home or both.

DANAMIC Coaching to help Release Your Genius

What is DANAMIC Coaching?
It is, quite frankly, the most advanced and comprehensive life/personal coach training system in the UK today.
It is VERY powerful stuff and consists of 8 one to one coaching sessions of approx 90 mins each.
It combines the very latest in NLP, NAC, hypnosis, time line therapy and coaching techniques into one simple 7 step system for change and was developed by one of my favourite coaches and colleagues, Andy Harrington.
I can use this system to;

• Make you confident and happy
• Help you lose weight even after years of trying
• Improve your relationships
• Help you to become confident and successful in your business
• Eliminate negative and sabotaging behaviour
• Eliminate stress and lack of energy
• Release the genius that is in you

I promise that you will be blown away by the results and I have a money back guarantee policy which I am happy to discuss with you.
A two week holiday or designer outfit could cost you more than this programme. However this is an investment in your whole life, not just one occasion!
Please read this from one of my recent clients who invested in this programme:

Testimonial from Sally In Ipswich
I am writing this because I am delighted at the positive effect on my outlook following the DANAMIC coaching sessions.
I had been struggling with my weight for over 30 years and it affected my life.
When I first started to follow diets I was slim and a size 10/12 but had friends who were smaller so always felt enormous. I started with starving myself and ended up bingeing when I couldn’t cope with the hunger. For many years my weight only went up slightly but it was still making me miserable. I was either being ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and it took over my life.
When I had my children I managed to lose quite a bit of weight but I never got low enough to be happy and even though I stopped the starving and bingeing. I still did not feel in control.
About eight years ago I got fed up with the diets and every time I joined a slimming club it lasted just a short time as I could never cope with the disappointment when I did not lose. Unfortunately this meant I have put on five stone in eight years.
When I started the coaching sessions with Nadia, I did not really believe that it would work. The first few sessions were challenging but I found it easier to answer the questions than in previous counselling sessions.
I also found I was having a more positive attitude and concentrating on other things beside my weight. I now know that I will achieve my goals in my personal and business life.
After about five sessions I felt an amazing calm and happiness. I also felt extremely strong. This continued through all the sessions and after. Of course, it does not stop things going wrong but it made it easier to cope with what life threw at me, something that I failed at before by turning to food.
I would thoroughly recommend DANAMIC coaching, for remarkable results.